Emotional Journey

With illness comes a whole seperate emotional journey and the last year and a half has been an emotional rollercoaster.It all started the day i was told that i needed a second transplant. As my health deteriorated so did i emotionally as i was becoming frustrated with being in hospital, scared with the thought that a liver might not come in time, depressed because i felt like my world had come crashing down on me again when i was feeling great. I could'nt understand why this was happening again and there were many a times that i wanted to say enough is enough i can't go on anymore and i wanted to give up.

As the weeks and months passed and still no sign of a liver and becoming more ill by the day i often thought to myself, is all this suffering worth it? As i said before i don't remember much of what happened to me during those critical days but all i can remember was many sleepless and tearful nights of pain both physically and mentally. I also hated the light, and the sound of tv or music. I just wanted to be in a quiet dark room cos that is how i felt at the time. Even as i write this little memories come flooding back and am feeling quite emotional and tearful.

Although i had loads of support from my family, friends, colleaugues and hospital staff i still felt i was all on my own and no one could help me. I left my fate in God's hands and never have i felt so close to him than i did during those dark days. It was like no matter how bad the situation got he was holding me close and even though in my head i wanted to give up he never let my body give up on me.

During my stay i saw numerous psychologists and phsychiatrics and a counsellor but nothing really helped me as no matter what people said to me i didn't change the way i felt about myself and could'nt accept what was happening to me and i started to hate myself because i felt like such a burden to my family especially my mum and to the hospital staff and when i became totally immobile and helpless that was the worst part and i was filled wih guilt and thats when i felt that i had totally lost control of everything in my life.

After all my surgeries i was left with a big open wound which had to heal naturally and everytime i looked at my stomach i thought to myself no one will ever accept me with this. I felt like the ugliest and fattest person in the world. I always tried to remind myself that there are alot of people who are worst off than me and that i must be grateful that i am still alive but still i hated myself and looking at all my pictures from before my transplant was just so hard as i know i'll never get back what i had and that i have to accept the new me.

When i was finally discharged you would of thought that after 10 months in hospital i would be excited to come home but when i got home because my mobility was still restricted alot i had to be carried upstairs to our flat and as soon as i got in i just wanted to be back in hospital. It didnt feel like home anymore and i didn't have the safety of having the nurses and doctors around and i had to depend on my mum and cousin for everything which i hated. I hated myself for putting all this on them as i am a very independent person.

Looking in the mirror again was one of the biggest challenges i had to deal with. It may sound like nothing but i could not look in the mirror since i started becoming jaundiced and i had no motivation to dress up or make an effort to look a little bit respectable because i just felt so ugly inside that i thought no matter what i do or wear will make any difference and it was eating me up inside and thats when i began to shut people out. I would not answer phonecalls, texts and i didn't want visitors and that was when i found out how my true friends were, because some could not understand and thought that i had changed intentionally therefore changed their attitudes towards me too, but my true friends have stuck by me no matter what i did they were patient with me although i did get a few lectures and still do.

I was finally convinced by my social worker and transplant co-ordinator to try counselling again, so i did for 9 weeks and i had a lovely counsellor who managed to boost my self esteem up a bit and help me deal with relationship issues with my friends and family. Sadly she left the hospital and since then i have not have the courage to go and see someone else, but without her i think i still would be an emotional wreck.

Dealing with my mental state has been just as hard as dealing with my physical health issues, sometimes it feels harder cos it's inside my head all the time and i can honestly say that sometimes it got the better of me and i've done some stupid things. I like to think that i'm much better these days and i hope that someday i can say that those were the hardest times of my life but i got through it.

To everyone out there no matter what life throws at us just hold on to hope and you will get there and if you know anyone who is dealing with anything in their life that is making them depressed whether it be illness or any other problems please be just be patient and be there for your friend.