As of late I have been feeling very reflective and emotional about my past and where I am in my life now and what the future holds. When I see certain things on TV, listen to certain songs and see certain people I am reminded of what I have been through and sometimes I feel elated to know that I have come through a lot of difficult times but more often than none I feel great sadness, guilt and frightened. However, when I get these feelings I know that God is always there for me and I know I can turn to him and he will let me know that I am never alone even though sometimes I feel so lonely in my thoughts.
The guilt within me comes from knowing that two people had to die in order for me to live, although I know that I didn't cause their deaths I still have the guilt of praying that I would get a donor in time while I was on the transplant list. Also having lost numerous friends, some of whom where not as sick as I have been but still didn't make it and where my health was deteriorating and my diagnosis list was growing but I kept pulling through and I didn't feel worthy of surviving when my friends where dying as I was becoming more of a burden on my mum and family and a mystery to the doctors.
With all the guilt came great sadness for the lost of lives and remembering what I went through. I often find myself getting all emotional out of blue when doing everyday things like relaxing on the couch at my mums and watching television I get flashbacks of all the days spent lying on that couch unable to mobilize independently, wrapped up in dressings from my open wound, having my encephalopathy attacks and feeling like rubbish. Then when a hospital drama or documentary comes on TV I get memories of me being stuck in hospital for months at a time but not really remembering much of hat happened but the feelings are still so raw that I often think to myself how the hell did I cope with all that and how has my body not yet given up on me when at times I had given up on myself.
My friends and family all know that I am not one for self pity, I hate attention and I very rarely complain. I always try to stay as positive as I can, not let things stop me from doing what I want to do and I will very rarely show my true emotions and feelings. I have a great poker face and will always have a smile on my face even when I am at my lowest and this I realised when looking back at my hospital pictures I could remember how I felt at the time but my face says something else as I would still look so happy.
I've never let my liver disease define me and my life because I believe our lives in just one long journey and you have to make it what it is and my strategy in life is too take each day as it comes but also have dreams and goals and I try to make the best out of the bad situations in my life by turning the bad into something good. Also, believe that nothing is impossible if you really want it but it won't come to you so you have to go out and chase your dreams to make them a reality.
Have A Great Summer Everyone...GOD BLESS!
